Thursday, May 19, 2011

Every Song a Swan Song

When I was between the ages of 17 and 23, I was a songwriter. Political. Emotional. Generally rhyming. My songs were limited to melodic formulations that fit the handful of chords I could play on the guitar and piano (a number which has dwindled rather than growing through ensuing years). Let me dwell a minute on the love songs (and all of them were love songs, to some degree....if vengefully, DiFrancishly so). For years (even after we were married), Josh seemed bothered by the fact that he was never the subject of one of my love songs (though, with their limited musical value and questionable appeal, he should have thanked me, daily:). One day, in explaining it to him (and that is how most of my epiphanies come, WHILE I'm voicing an explanation, not before), I exclaimed (probably with great force) "I only write love songs for people after the love is dead or the people have left me!"

It's true, insofar as I can remember my love songs.

My last post cost me like a love song! AND, it seems to have been a eulogy, as well! Ever since I posted the tangle of confusion that surrounds my submission to food (which seems absurd, but couldn't be more palpable), I have....been.......REMARKABLY.....freer! I've faced down the newly named spectres (don't ask me why I spell that word Britishly -- I just do, I always do), and paid them due homage like past loves.....

What an interesting change!

I love it (though not enough, yet, to write a song about it:)

(Thank you to all of you who offered your friendship in kind thoughts and prayers. I have no doubt that God, whose prompting led to the post, is the catalyst for this freedom, and I know how he works through our lovers, far and near. I appreciate you ---- sincerely).


jules said...

I feel like doing a little dance because you're blogging again.

Rebecca said...


Your blogs are amazing, so insightful and a pleasure to read. I often laugh out loud (though not at the last two or three - those have made me think). So there was my confession - I have been anonymously (or at least, I think it was anonymous, who knows...) reading your blog for over a year. I have wanted to comment, many times, but haven't because I didn't want to weird you out (although I embrace my internet stalker tendencies -my nosiness stems from a good heart - I understand that not everyone feels the same way).

I'm too concerned with my image to blog as honestly as you do (not to mention that I lack your insight and compositional finesse), but I can certainly relate to your blogs that are self-critical.

I have been known to repeat your stories (your kids are hilarious), and it's just fun keeping up with your family (who was so good to me in college).

So, if you are weirded out, maybe you could wait a few months before changing your security settings, so that I might entertain the possibility that the catalyst for the change was not me...just a thought.

Thanks for blogging!

Your old friend,